When I was pregnant I did a ton of research on breastfeeding. It was something that meant a lot to me and I knew I wanted to breastfeed my baby. I bought books, read blog after blog of other women's experiences and went to classes. I learned so much about it, the anatomy, the latch, sore nipples, milk supply, weaning, etc. Still, the thought of actually breastfeeding a baby made me a little uneasy. I think partly because it seemed so foreign to me, I mean the thought of actually having breastmilk in my breasts was soooo weird to think about. On top of that, feeding a baby from them (sounds a little immature now)!!!!! Would I ever breastfeed in public? How would I feel about that? Will I have enough to satisfy my baby? But, my boobs are so small!! Will it hurt? If there is a question about breastfeeding I asked it! I worried so much about it, I think I had developed a little bit of anxiety about it. All I wanted was to be successful. My Mom breastfed us kids, which in large part is the reason it meant so much to me. I knew in my heart that she did her very best for us kids and in turn I needed to do my very best for my kids. However, I have seen many unfortunate issues with breastfeeding. I knew it was going to be tough but tough doesn't even begin to describe those first couple of months.
I remember while I was pregnant listening to a lactation nurse talk about how sore your nipples will be in the first couple of weeks and thinking to myself...pfff toughen up a little, it can't be that bad. I just knew the sore nipples were a joke and that it was bearable pain that wouldn't last very long. Boy was I mistaken!
If there was one thing I remember from the research I did, it was that the first latch is very important. She was laying on my chest, only minutes old and I asked the nurse if I needed to feed her. The response I got was a confident no, not yet. It seemed odd to me because everything I knew was that it needed to be SOON after birth. So, she laid there on my chest and Brandon and I talked to her, touched her and were basically in awe of this beautiful baby girl we made that was finally here. Then they took her, weighed her and bathed her. They finally gave her back to me, and it began. The first latch! It was within the first hour which is good and thankfully it didn't take her long to figure out what was going on. But it didn't take long for my nipples to feel that burn. By the end of the day they basically looked like a crime scene. I'm pretty sure I was the talk of the nurses station because every nurse, doctor, aid, etc., that came in to our room asked about my nipples because they heard they were so bad. They were bad!! I met with the lactation nurse a few times while I was in the hospital, she watched the process and thought everything looked fine. For some reason they all thought there had to be something wrong with her latch because my nipples were so bad looking. Finally, about an hour or two before we leave the hospital the lactation nurse comes in and tells us she thinks Whitney has tongue tie. Excuse me? What is that? Apparently it decreases the mobility of the tongue which would give her a shallow latch...the reason my nipples looked so bad. So, we had her doctor check it out and she said everything looked just fine. No tongue tie thankfully, but all the talk about how terrible my nipples looked made me think something actually was wrong with her latch.
The next couple of weeks we went about our business, shying away from bottles and pacifiers to make sure the latch was perfect and breastfeeding was going to be successful. But that excruciating pain when she latched on hadn't gone away. The scabs however did heal thanks to what I call nipple therapy (expressing a little milk and letting it dry in the sun with my shirt off :) & lots of lanolin). Then we had trouble with a forceful let-down. She would gag, choke and get really bad gas.Then she started making the clicking noise while she ate. Then I got a terrible blocked duct, ran a fever and couldn't sleep because of the pain. There were many tears and many emotions. There were times I didn't think breastfeeding was for me, I thought maybe my nipples just weren't cut out for it. Before she would latch I would take big breaths and hold on to the couch for dear life while I curled my toes so tight I could scream. Finally, I met with a lactation nurse again. I had cracked nipples but she thought the latch looked fine. It gave me hope! She told me she thought the clicking noise was just because my milk was right there and too much for baby to handle, which would change over time. She said one bad feeding can take a week to heal, so to make sure baby was properly latched during those night feedings. So, we went home and I took that little hope I had and continued to pray my heart out for some relief and...I got it. Right around 4-5 weeks the pain subsided and I was a new woman. Feedings didn't hurt anymore! It was in those moments that I thanked God for giving me the courage to continue on.
With the nipple relief, the trapped feelings I was experiencing started to also subside. I'm sure most first time mothers who breastfeed get it...but then again maybe it's just me. I was overwhelmed with the feeling that in a couple hours or less I would have to sit down and feed her again for another 20-30 minutes. It was like my freedom had been taken from me. It sounds selfish of me now but at the time it was a big struggle. Breastfeeding is tough, very tough. It's an around the clock job and in those early months it can really wear you down. I truly believe the first couple months are the hardest. If you can make it past that hump your hard work will truly pay off.
My advice to those of you who are struggling with breastfeeding is sit down, relax and think about all the millions of mothers who have breastfed their babies successfully. Meet with a lactation consultant, see if there is a la lecha league group near you, talk to mothers who have breastfed before, support is key to success.
Just having someone to talk to, who knows what you are going through makes it so much easier. I am a little competitive, and when I was struggling I used to think about some of my friends who have breastfed, and I used to tell myself, "come on Kara, don't be a wimp, you can do this...so and so did it." I also prayed that God would give me the tools I needed to continue. I reminded myself over and over again that it is such a natural thing and God intended us to feed our babies this way. Just believe that you can do it, know you can do it and you will do it. It's such an amazing journey and I would be willing to say that all mothers would agree. You get to watch your baby thrive all because of you.
Whitney is almost eight months and I am still breastfeeding. I'm so unbelievably happy I stuck with it. It's so fun to watch her reaction when she gets ready to eat. She went through a stage where at the sound of my shirt or bra clicking, she would throw her head back with her mouth wide open with anticipation. It was so stinkin' funny. I would have to have one arm ready to catch her, otherwise she would bonk her head on the chair. Every now and then when she gets really hungry she will dive bomb my chest, panting and moving her head back and forth. She isn't shy about it, that's for sure. It's brought us so close and we have such an amazing bond because of it. I just can't begin to tell you how happy I am that I kept with it. Like I said earlier, I have seen so many unfortunate issues with breastfeeding and thankfully mine were just terrible nipples. It seems like there is a lot of pressure anymore to breastfeed and I truly believe every situation is different. If you can do it, I encourage you to stick with it. You will never regret it, and it become one of your most treasured accomplishments.
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